Re-BiRTH

Many things happened and many things has been kept inside without knowing where and how to let it out. Then only I realize am actually missing my blog. Well, its about time to let it all OUT!!

The Unseen

People always say that u never knew what actually happen unless you are part of the whole thing. 4 months is more than enough to learn and know what u need to know about work ethics, politics at work, friendship bitching, respect, selfishness, responsibilities and commitment. I thank god that I ‘m finally out of that place (with a 24 hours notice) and enjoying my new work. Though not everything about that place is bad, there are still good memories that I could bring along with me. I shall say its 70% bad-30% good. Not gonna say much on that coz let pass just be it. Not gonna mess my mind with it. Also thanks and appreciate the personal attack made through facebook by certain individuals. Bcos of that am out of there, enjoying my work life & most of it I got back my personal life that I miss for the past 4 months. Adios!Amigos!

Confession of a Drama Queen!!

Wow..what a title given to me..and yet I felt honoured. Ye la..musim-musim Oscar ni kan..and it just ended few hours ago..Can I give my speech now?? I'M THANKING THE JURIES, JUDGES AND MY FANS..I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET THIS HONOURED ACHIEVEMENT IF IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF MY ENVIRONMENT..THANK YOU EVERYONE..HOPE TO SEE U AGAIN NEXT YEAR!!

I have to admit..for the past 2 months, this blog has been my bestest friend. All it have to do is just listen..owh!how I wonder if it can talk..most probably he'd say the same thing..'Owh!u bitchy drama queen?just stop it or I'll delete u'..hahaha..duuh...are u dare??or maybe I'll delete u first..haha!! Ok, what is this Drama Queen is all about..?To be truth, I dunno!! But I think I have an idea of what it is about..haha...Where shall I start??OK la...Once upon a time...(very lame)..

Can one ever imagine when u've been working 7 days a week, for 6 weeks - and u are damn exhausted n tired,What will happen to u then?Grumpy?Moody?..Yeah...just to name few of the symptoms. To make things worst, u r doing almost everything at one time? u r organising this, organising that, catching the deadline of this and that, entertaining parents enquiries and favor to do this, do that, which by right they have to do it themselves and even answered the fucking phone which most question being asked were such a stupid questions-that u even can find it in the website. To make things worst, there are too many heads instructing u to do this and that, and most of the times the instruction overlapped/different from one another...and u have a dateline to catch???It may sounded like 'aah..it normal...'..IT MIGHT sound like that..but..if it is well organised things will never get this worst. Why am I doing this again?Yeah, there are few people helped..and i truely deeply appreciated what they did for me..but..one thing about me..I just dont know how to instruct people..I'd rather keep in quiet and try my best to finish them. Seriously I dont mind. But what surprise me was, is it normal or not..if a person called human..had an overload task sometimes gets a lil bit of emotional like grumpy+moody+stress etc. I'm a type of person, if I'm stressed out..I'll finished the work but my mouth will never stop mumbling. Bear in mind, just IGNORE what ever came out from my mouth cos I DON'T MEAN IT!It's just a medium of expressing dissappointment and stress. That even happened since I was little when I'm at home. Example, when my house untidy, I voluntarily will clean up the house BUT my mouth will never stop mumbling until I finish. What's the issue?want me to change them??I've tried but that's what GOD gave to me..Once during my childhood I was a stubborn girl..once I get older..late teenager I reckon..I've started to learn to view things positively and see the good side of everything. However, we wouldnt know how long we are able to try, there are some occasions where I slipped from the path..due to unforeseen circumstances..Hey!I'm human anyway, tell me, who doesnt make mistakes. I do feel regret that some people wants me to be perfect but apparently they aren't...

Tengok..dah merapu mana hala tah...tu la dia...dont get me started. Sometimes I dont blame these people..cos they might not have the whole idea what 'work stress' is all about. Once when I was in internship year 2004, I thought I knew..but apparently I dont..the stresses are very different. Once I got into the real thing..as asst.producer, loan officer etc..the stress is different cos WE ARE PAID TO PERFORM, WE ARE PAID TO DO THE JOB WELL..ALTHOUGH WE GOT THE SUCKEST JOB IN THE WORLD..I dunno whether am angry or not with these people, part of me says that maybe they are immature in understanding the fact of work..part of me a bit shocked with the title given to me..All am praying that one day, they'll experience what I was mumbling about. One would never learn until they felt it. Back to the question 'DO I DESERVE TO GET THE TITLE?'.. again its up to u guys..I think I deserve it when I'm facing this whole lot of stress at work, come back home need to play the role of a daughter/grand daughter of an ill grandma...and believe me...its very difficult to take care of the older people yang banyak sangat ragam..and yet u are already tired at work..Surprisingly am not that mad with these people for the title (like I said I also know how see the positive side in people)..Cos to me the level of stressness that I experienced is normal. The most stressful moment was when u r unemployed and that's when u think u'd rather die. Buat apa study tinggi but dont understand people's behaviour..what's the purpose of learning consumer behavior and advanced consumer behavior courses if I dont implement it.. Tul x? ..Has these people ever think that I really want this to happen to me? Its way beyond my control..As conclusion, what I learnt from this..one should always remember, one day one shall need to move out from the comfort zone and that's when one's emotions and mental will be tested as soft as it may or as hard as it may..Once u r in this working line...u cant please everyone eventhough your officemate, friends etc..u'll think of non-other than ur responsibility and work commitment..and dont be surprised when one will lose the freedom of socialising, losing the sense of friendship, sense of measuring and almost lose everything except for one's career..That's when u know what am shitting about!And I shall say..WELCOME TO THE ACTUAL SHIT!! :)

Happy Valentine!

I know am 5 days late to wish everyone Happy Valentines Day! Been very busy and not enough time to blog. :(

How was my Valentines day?
Like any other days...been working..working and working...Thank god am single!!..
hahaha

I don't regret coming back to Malaysia when....

I got to celebrate Hari Raya with family
I got to go to Pesta Malam Indo...Love Bams Samsons..
Got to go to Anugerah Skrin
Went to Semis Anugerah Juara lagu
Got to go to Showdown of the Champion - me love roger federer!!!
Got to see Ned & Zurra's baby boy
Meet Uncle Hussein won Juara Lagu!
Luqzan & Sarah's Wedding
Effa's Engagement
Masmiza's Wedding
Got to know a bunch of talented juniors during ECM Libra and they are sooo nice..

Bottom line:
Old Frens & New Frens around!

Departing Australia: ....6 Months Later....(The redemption)

Life has been a roller coaster since I left Aussie. The first month (Aug) was kind of happy moments for me. Enjoying life, catching up stories with friends..etc. But hey, life is not only about fun kan..many things happened..ada yang sedih..sakit hati..happy..etc. There were times I felt like "gosh...I shouldn't left Brisbane at the first place' and there were also times I felt 'it’s good to be back in Malaysia'. Those things happened in various events along with a mixture of emotions, feeling & actions resulting in making stupid decisions and wise decisions of life (most of it stupid and regrettable). Am not going to talk details about what happened (buat sakit hati je). All of mentioned related closely to the conflict of ambition, career, self esteem, responsibility, being inferiority complex.

Celebrations

I got to celebrate my Ramadhan and Eid Fitri and Aidiladha in Malaysia. It was fun celebrating with your loves ones after two years, like seeing them around you + the food + baju raya shopping etc. However, there were some occasions where I felt like how I wish I was in Brisbane celebrating Eid. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful that I got to celebrate Eid/Adha with my parents, siblings, cousins and families. It was just that the value of appreciating the meaning and concept of Eid/Adha. I dunno others but to me the concept of celebrating Eid/Adha are family gathers together preparing the raya dish from buying the raw food till cleaning up after raya, bake/rearrange raya cookies in the cookie jars, being noisy in the kitchen, cucuk sate, peeling the onions, ironing raya clothes, playing the fireworks. Sadly, I just didn’t get it here..in Malaysia..unlike those days when I was a kid,everything seemed so perfect, although there were lacked of here and there. It was like I was the only one that was very excited to celebrate it from prepping the raw, cooking and tidying (until my whole leg got cramped). Yeah, there were few person helped (mom, dad-to market and aunts) thanks a lot to them. But the feel wasn’t really there. Again am sorry, not that I don’t appreciate the helps by others but those mentioned contributed major help which I was actually expecting a gotong royong from different people. To me it is time for them to rest and it is our time to get busy with this raya thingy. They had enough for the past 20 years. Is it because all this while I was an organizer/initiator for family events and everything totally on me? I dunno..I’m not saying am the best, I also have certain weaknesses but I did tried my best so that everyone could enjoy Eid.. sampai serik. I dunno what went wrong. I really don’t know as I don’t want to point fingers to anybody. Let say I don’t initiate something, what happen to our Eid celebration..?tak kan tak raya..same goes to Aidiladha celebration that made me event frustrated. Apparently I enjoyed my Eid in Brisbane.Yeah..yeah..am sure u guys will say ‘owh that such an arrogant statement by comparing Eid here and abroad’. What else can I say, it’s a fact, being away for 2 years, where u only have friends to have your back, support u in many ways, with limited resources..still..we - a bunch of students managed to organized simple but memorable and meaningful eid. Most of us dunno how to cook especially the complicated raya dish but we made the effort by googling the recipe and trial an error. We gathered together at a place (normally one of the student’s house), started cooking, decorating and creating the environment as if we are celebrating in Malaysia. But here, where you already have everything except for the understanding of the concept. Other than that, I really enjoyed the family photo taking sessions.

Work

I started submitting for job application since I was in Brisbane, somewhere around June. Got few feedbacks and went for interviews. Some of it required me to sit for an examination, some are not. Not getting details on each of it coz it reminded me of the major cause of my stress level. Overall, the job market here sux and really bad. Whenever I think about job, I always regretted my decision of coming back here. The problem about me is that, most management doesn’t know where to classify my level and doesn’t want to pay according what I should get. I’m not being demanding, if the offer suitable with my working experience and qualifications that would do for me. Before this I kind of had a stable job even though it was just a contract basis. But at that time (2006) companies are looking for candidates that have some working experience and higher qualifications (masters). Due to that working demand, I encouraged myself to continue studies to add the extra value to my working experience so that it would benefits on my career advancements. However, after I graduated, I applied for few jobs, went for interviews..bla bla..ended up I still jobless. Most of the reason they don’t want to hire me because I am a masters graduate..and they can only pay me fresh grad’s salary. What the fuck is that??The question is haven’t they consider my previous working experience?..dah la I risked myself quitting my job & continue studies..mana pergi market demand during 2006 that triggered me to continue studies.? Am not being demanding, as long as the salary is reasonable pun dah ok. I’d rather worked as a cleaner earning min $19/hours,max $22/hours – weekly paid or as an assistant coach earning $16/hour – fortnightly paid than being paid monthly. I did both jobs during my Uni for surviving and I survived. Hey although the job mentioned was just as assistant coach or a cleaner, at least I got to earn >RM1200 per week after conversion. There was this one interview, and the job was kind of my dream job la. Verbally I got the job and supposed to start Nov 08, but due to top mgt’s problem, things cannot get started. It has been postponed few times. Waiting to get start on that job has been so stressful. Am keeping in touch with the person interviewed me which will be my immediate boss. He said the whole team couldn’t get started coz no one want to endorse (due to gila kuasa among the top people)..teruk kan!!their political conflict caused us our job. Now for the mean time am working at this one place which should be the last place I’d work. The job kinda fun coz I love the event thing..BUT..they under pay people..and the work loads are as if they pay u 3x of what u r getting+office politics. Hm..no choice and thinking of that I have car loan and asb loan to pay, gagahkan juga kerja sana. Although I get my salary, still my dad gives me my monthly expenses..coz gaji just enough to pay loans without balance. These job problems really caused me an emotion sickness. How I wish am still a kid, no need to think bout it..or how I wish am still in Brisbane..at least I keje halal and enjoy doing y work and most of all being paid fairly :(

Depression

Cognitive Symptoms

• Memory problems
• Inability to concentrate
• Poor judgment
• Seeing only the negative
• Anxious or racing thoughts
• Constant worrying

Emotional Symptoms

• Moodiness
• Irritability or short temper
• Agitation, inability to relax
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Sense of loneliness and isolation
• Depression or general unhappiness

Physical Symptoms

• Aches and pains
• Diarrhea or constipation
• Nausea, dizziness
• Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
• Loss of sex drive
• Frequent colds

Behavioral Symptoms

• Eating more or less
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Isolating yourself from others
• Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
• Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
• Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

Depression Signs and Symptoms

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

Loss of interest in daily activities

No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities.

Appetite or weight changes

Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

Sleep changes

Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

Psychomotor agitation or retardation

Either feeling “keyed up” and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down.

Loss of energy

Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer.

Self-loathing

Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.

Concentration problems

Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.

___________________________________________________________________

People usually said that when u are home, u have no problems. But to me, things happened for past 6 months was the other way round. Lately I’ve recovered from a very bad depression. Well…recovered a bit. The worst depression of my life. The ultimate depression was on November. Naaah..november wasn’t a good month for me either. The reasons of me being depress was simple and can be put into equation:

Unemployed/Jobless + Uncertain responsibilities + No money + No social needs = Emotion sickness.

I’ve never been unemployed since I left school. Even while waiting for SPM results, I worked at a fast food restaurant. After degree I got job straight away. I had really high hope that as I cam back the max I’ll be unemployed will be 3 mths. Am kind of a mobile person, I need to do something. By not having a job makes feel that am such a loser!! I need to pay my car loan, asb loan and other loans..kdg2 bila mood parent kita x baik..they tend to asked questions which they know we don’t have the answer. Like ‘bila ni start keje?’ or maybe ayat2 yang they are paying our loan which patutnye we shd be paying it..Sangat Stress!!mmg terasa diri x berguna & loser. In the same time my grand parents are not well.,and have to take extra care of them. Is not am complaining, I know it’s a responsibility. But sometimes that responsibility made me confuse coz most of the time I feel like as if am one of their children not grandchildren. Yes..I know they are staying at my house but that doesn’t mean everyone cannot share the responsibility. I always questioned, pernah yg lain been into position where u felt guilty to go out for a while? If you go out, all of sudden u received a phone call asked u to come home immediately? U felt guilty even if u need to go for an interview??U haven’t been to movies for quite awhile? Your social needs being ignored? And the worst part already made plans with few friends and dah siap to go..then u cancelled it last minute and that didn’t happened once but few times??pernaah?? I bet x..but that only happened to me. In the same time I pity my mum and an aunt. Two of them always took turns looking for them. They were also into situations where they can’t go out even for few hours, due to the commitments. At one point I did made schedule involving my grandparent’s children & grand children. Ikut kan..kalau semua contribute, mcm max pun once a week, 3-4 hours je kena babysit them. Baru je draf, mcm2 bunyi dah ada. Ntah laa..to me this responsibility thing masing2 kena sedar. Tak kan need a schedule. That time I was so worry coz am starting my work soon. That time only can see people kelam kabut organized this and that. What if I x start keje lagi? No one bothers kot. I might sounded like sangat teruk with all of these statement. Hey this is what happened if u kept too much inside. Not that yang lain ignore terus, ada yg dtg visited grandparents, tp byg kn..datang visited for like 10-30mins once a week??to me..there is difference of visit and sama2 taking care of them..ntaah…x tau..x tau!!dunno what to say..and not pointing to anyone. Once a person said to me, I felt this way coz grandparents are staying with me..my answer: kenapa?if they r not staying with me, I got the exception on the responsibility laa? All am asking is just shared responsibility. However, now getting better la..thank god!although me still affected. Ok..now combine the stress+depression mentioned above and add them into me..what will u get?? A new me!!Someone who is depress, moody, stress etc. Know what, that time,, especially November, I totally wasn’t myself. I can’t think straight, selalu nk cari pasal dgn orang, always think that everyone wasn’t being fair to me, everyone hates me, I talked without thinking…and most of it ramai bengang dgn I+terasa+bengang etc. Most of the gestures came from my frens. I don’t blame them for hating me. They were bunch of good people but I was being an asshole and bitchy. Nak buat mcm ne, tried to control but x boleh. It was not within my reach. Anyway, what had pass is passed, Alhamdulillah, after I started working around mid Dec, I managed to pull myself back together and discovered on the right and wrong thing I did(mostly wrong) especially to my frens/close frens. Did say sorry to them although I know things will never be the same again between us. But if it will, it might take some time. What to do kan, that’s the price I need to pay for being stupid...not that I wanted it, it just happened. To those yang pernah terasa for the past 6 months (dedicated to family and friends), amreally sorry ya...what ever I did, what ever I said..it just slipped! I didn’t mean it and I love you all..!

Tagged 2

Aiyaa...am really bored..until a friend remind me to selesaikan hutang tagging. done 1 yesterday(gale, done..sorry took me quite a while to do it..mls sbnrnye..hehe)..another 1 today..thank god yg nadee tagged few mths back dh buat..anyway, was tagged by cousin sbb ter'visit' her blog..duuh...nsb baik tgh bosan..kalau x jgn harap nk ber tagged.

1. When is the last time you actually hung out with your top friends?
assuming from my facebook: last august during my farewell party

2. What's bothering you right now?
bila la org OCM ni nk call for letter offer signing..my boss said by this week..

3. Would you share a drink with a stranger?

no

4. What kind of phone do you have?
sony ericsson w380i & sony ericsson w550i...simple je..janji leh sms+call

5. Wallpaper on your laptop?
a picasa pictures of marat safin, roger federer, novak djokovic, rafael nadal

6. Wallpaper on your phone?

tennis racket+tennis ball (what a freak..!)

7. Next time you will hug someone?

i dunno..maybe...slalu je hug orang & being hug..hehe

8. Where was your default picture taken?
assuming again from my facebook: last january at rod laver arena, melbourne - after roger had his stroke...

9. Is there something about you that you don't think you'd ever tell anyone?

yeap

10. Are you wearing anything on your feet?
no..y?

11. What is the last thing you drank today?
vanilla coke

12. Closest black object?
my hair straightener

13. Who was the last person to talk to you on the phone?

hilmy

14. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
zurra

15. If you could have one person with you right now who would it be?

my closest friend...

16. Listening to..?
Light on - David Cook (soo in love with him...!)

17. Anyone you want to kill?
No at the moment...will update when i got one...

18. What do you want?
My car..MYVI SE new facelift..gila lama lg..2 weeks to arrive...damn!

19. What are you eating?
Famous Amos

21. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yeaah..i guess..i dunno..guys nowdays are complicated..dont really care..unless its marat safin :)

22. What is the last text in your inbox?

panjang la nk type..basically pejul's invitation to his wedding on 1st Nov..daah kawin si pejul yg hensem tu..alaaa...damn!hahaha

23. Where do you want to live when you get older?
new zealand..swiss..hehe...how i wish...ahaha

24. What do you want to be when you grow up?
hmm...rule the world..hahaha

26. Where do you live now?
bangi

27. What did you do last night?

watching gossip girl back to back...

28. Do you miss someone right now?
erm...yeap..my frens...u know who are...

29. Do you think they miss you too?

i bet..yeaaah...they are the one will be reading this blog..hehe...

30. What are you going to do after this?

still thinking...apa nak buat eh...life sucks..bosan giler..

31. Where is/are your best friend(s)?
everywhere.....

32. Do you prefer day or night?
both...

33. Have you ever slept over 12 hours?
woo...NO..pening woo..the most 10hours

34. How good is your eyesight?
very good

35. What are you plans for tomorrow?
try to call my boss and chase for my job offer letter...haha

36. What was the last thing you ate?
cookie

37. Whose house did you go to last?
my cousin - nini

38. Who honestly knows everything about you?

my close frens...no secret between us..

39. Vanilla or Chocalate?
vanilla

41. What do you wear more: shorts, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants?
shorts

42. How would your friends describe you?

sporty, talkative, friendly, tukang masak, bibik...

43. How old do you want to be when you settle down or get married?
erm...29 kot...my fortune teller said so...hahaha....no la..before 30s(in my dream..duuuh)

44. Anyone broken your heart?

yup..but i dont take it seriously..buat apa layan broken heart sgt..buang masa je..

45. Have you ever waved to someone and realized it wasn't the person?

nope..i usually go and ask that person is she/he that person..

46. What have you learned recently?
your passion/hobby/interest might be taken advantage by other people, since they know u can't resist 'em...

47. Would you choose love over money?
i'd go for money..tipu la zaman sekarang love conquers all..at least money plays a factor

48. Are you excited for school?
yeap

49. Are you bored?
yes!help me....

50. Something that u want on your mind?

to go to aussie open+french open+wimbledon+us open....

Now.. It's time for me to pass this baton to the person listed below:

1. gie
2. latape
3. jerry
4. ika
5. didy
6. gale
7. tasia
8. laili
9. emi
10. ansar
11. anas
12. amar
13. denise
14. sarah
15. luqzan
16. baloo
17. and those who usually reads my blog...teeet...

thank u very much..pls inform me when u r done tagging..nak baca jugaaak..

muah muah....